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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.