Late-Night Comics Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Residency Plan

Television's prominent entertainers used their broadcast criticizing former President Donald Trump's just announced immigration program, called the "gold card," portraying it as a clear pay-for-access scheme for the affluent.

Colbert's Sarcastic Analysis

Starting his show, Stephen Colbert offered a satirical holiday tune directed at the president. "He's compiling a list, reviewing it twice, and then handing that list to the people at ICE," he intoned. "The President ... destroys all he comes into contact with."

The subject was the controversial program which enables foreign nationals to purchase U.S. residence for a sum of $1 million dollars, with a "platinum" option for $5 million. A government page promises processing "in record time."

"One thought here to rich foreigners: prior to you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.

He pointed out that the card is also meant to "get cash" from businesses wishing to hire foreign workers, with hefty fees. "That's a lot of fees, however if you enroll, you also get two free nights at a property of your selection – if it's the a specific Marriott," he said.

"The most thorough screening the U.S. government has before done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these people completely are eligible to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert responded. "Question one: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Roast

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"It's a card that will permit affluent overseas citizens to live here," he stated. "For a million dollars, you get legal visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one major crime of your choice."

"Perhaps it's time to update that poem on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your huddled masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel teased the simplicity of the application, noting it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Exactly, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "That's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Affordability Issues

Elsewhere, Seth Meyers turned to Trump's declining approval ratings during financial concerns. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term since they were mad about the economy," he explained.

Recently, in a effort to discuss cost of living, Trump held a press conference in front of a selection of food items, where he reacted peculiarly to some cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"He is so incredibly weird," Meyers reacted. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by criticizing conservative media defenses of Trump's financial performance. "Maybe instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he laughed.